so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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