This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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