My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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