I hope mine doesn't look like that
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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