Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you had me at cake vodka
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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