Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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