I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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