I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
