Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
