He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize