The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
