Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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