I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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