I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
