two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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