Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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