She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I need to sanitize my soul.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
