you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
