You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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