You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize