FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Less talking, more tequila
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
