you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't deserve a penis
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
