there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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