my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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