You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
