I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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