Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
