I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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