i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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