maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
