Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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