broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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