I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
