the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
