I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize