i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
