I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
