At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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