I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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