im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
