Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He passed out mid-signature
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize