can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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