tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
