im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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