five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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