forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
