Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
