I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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