Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
