This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
