theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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