Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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