Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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