that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
