quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
