Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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