How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
