It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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