Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
