I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
