he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
