I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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