OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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