I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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